The Wonderful Life of Lily
by gila-manatee-queen
Summary: What actually goes on in the mind of Lily Evans? All this is revealed through her diary. I know summary sucks, but its pretty good. Read and Review Please!


**Hello everyone! This is my first fan fiction that I have ever actually posted, so I hope you like it. If you saw this story earlier, yes it was mine, but I had to take it off cause there were problems with it being loaded onto So sorry for the inconvenience. Anyway, as my sorry present, I have re-edited this story, so it's almost twice as long, and twice as entertaining. Please read and review! If you don't review, well I might just start crying. I am welcome to all criticism and if you have any questions or anything, I can reply to them in the next chapter. Also, feel free to e-mail me. Remember, read and review!!!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own the magical land of Harry Potter or any of the characters that you recognized from the books. However, my characters Lizzy and Ann that are mentioned in this chapter are mine! No touchy!!! The plot and ideas belong to me and the fellow members of L.A.Z.**

**Anyway, on with the Wonderful Life of Lily!**

**Chapter One: Pancakes, the Apocalypse, and Chimneys**

What do you do if your sister starts screaming at you and calling you freak? You simply ignore her even though you know she is a complete pain in the ass. WRONG! You take out your wand and start firing hexes at her, careful to miss so you don't get into trouble. Yet where does that still get you? You get a nice stern lecture from your parents and have to be baby sat, along with being grounded for all of eternity. If that's not embarrassing, then I don't know what is.

Let me introduce myself dear diary, I am Lily Evans, a seventeen year old witch that just happens to be at the top of nearly all of my classes…not to gloat or anything. Shifty eyes You know, I don't even know why I got you? You are just a stupid book, which I spent my stupid money on, to write down my stupid thoughts…Wait, did I just totally dis myself? Okay then, back to my stupid rant. I saw you in a stupid window, of a stupid shop, that just happened to have magical stupid diaries in stock. I thought it would be cool, but I guess I made another stupid mistake. Let's start at the beginning of my stupid day.

I woke up around 10:32 this morning to my sister rummaging around downstairs, singing as loud as she could. Let me point out that her voice shatters glass. Actually, I take that back. Her voice can disintegrate glass. I usually am an early riser if I get to bed by 11:30PM, but last night Petunia just had to throw a party for all of her friends. I wouldn't be surprised if my sister hires people that are even uglier than her to be her so called "friends" so that she looks much prettier compared to her. That's probably how she ever got a boyfriend. That, and she is a total slut (Mom disagrees with me on this subject).

Anyway, so I went downstairs to discover that my sister's stupid boyfriend, Vernon Dursley, was over, yet again. If that doesn't kill the morning, how about discovering that he had eaten all the pancakes…again. It's bad enough not getting any pancakes, but when this is yet another Saturday without pancakes, let's just say my fiery temper starts to rise. In my family, Dad only makes pancakes on Saturdays, so it's a huge deal (I know what your thinking, a man cooking? But you have never had his meatballs and spaghetti). And since Walrus ate them all, I am forced to eat cold cereal again. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against cereal, but who likes having a giant overweight walrus eating all your food? That makes my fiery temper rise closer to its exploding point, and if I blow, its worse than the apocalypse.

Honestly, I have no idea what my sister sees in this man. He is only about five-foot-four and as round as a barrel, literally. I have a huge suspicion that he is the reincarnation of King Henry VIII with a walrus for a mother and a whale for a father. His skin is constantly a deep shade of red and his head is covered by a messy blob of blonde hair. He has horrible sleep apnea (He stays over night sometimes), and is constantly telling us he is all muscle. Ha! I have more muscle in my little finger than he has in his entire body!!!

Naturally he is a perfect match for my sister. Both hate my guts for the stupidest reasons, and love getting the scoop on other people's lives. Petunia Katherine Evans, my horrid older sister looks nothing like me. She has frizzy black hair that makes her horribly long horse like face, look more horse like. Her neck is extremely long, which I suppose comes in handy for peering out windows and across fences. Now I don't think I am attractive at all, but compared to her I look like Miss Universe.

I am the complete opposite of her. Unlike her horrible blotchy lightly tanned skin, mine is very fair, which sucks for me. I can't go outside for longer than an hour without getting fried and a billion more freckles. Her nasty, greasy, black hair is frizzy, unlike my curly red hair. She has shit-brown eyes, whereas mine are an electric green. She is barley a saggy A-cup, where I have a full C. She's a stick; I am slightly curvy (Okay, so maybe I need to diet).

Focusing back on breakfast, I sat down smiling as pleasantly as I could, which resembled a psychotic grin, and began to eat my dull cereal. Apparently Walrus got a new job in selling drills. I had to sit there and listen to him go on, and on, and on, etc. on drills and other power tools. Who honestly gives a shit? Nobody! I have nothing against power tools, but I missed Pancake Day, and that's is bringing us closer to the apocalypse. So get me to blow up and then not have any pancakes, well then mister, or missy, you are screwed.

I love my Dad; I really do. After twenty minutes of pure torture, he "reminded me" of my "homework" that I needed to "finish." Thanking him silently, I ran upstairs to re-read one of my old text books since I actually finished all my summer homework a month ago. After awhile, I figured it would be okay to go out, so I grabbed my jacket, pocketed my wand and walked over to the park so I could apperate in one of the bathrooms.

I arrived in Diagon Alley to browse for some books, and hopefully run into someone I knew from school. I can't exactly go school shopping yet, since I haven't gotten my supply list from Hogwarts. It's possible that I won't even get in again. Is it my fault that I lost my temper and sent several students to the Hospital Wing? If they don't let me back, then they would be nuts to let the Marauders in. I don't want to taint your pages talking about them, so I will explain later.

I stopped to get some ice cream, and ended up buying a double scoop of vanilla to lick while I went window shopping. So as I walked down the streets looking into windows and gradually eating my ice cream, I paused at a small book shop. A sign said no food or drink inside, so I would have to come back later.

I was peeking through the window trying to see into the dark store, when someone slammed into my back and my ice cream flew into the air. Lucky for me, the cone fell on the guy's head, but the ice cream went down my shirt. Half of Diagon Alley stopped to point and laugh at me, long and hard. As I scraped the ice cream off my shirt trying to ignore everyone, I looked up to fund the guy gone.

Since I no longer had any food, I walked into the shop. It was small and cramped with spell books of kinds I had never seen before. After browsing for awhile, all I could find were books on history of the most boring subjects. Who wants to know where the process of using manure came from and how it relates to the wizarding world? I was getting ready to leave, when I noticed sitting by the window were a stack of small leather bond books. So I walked over and read a sign sitting next to it reading:

Magical Diaries

Clearance Sale

5 Knuts a Piece

I picked you up since you were the least shabby one, and set some money on the counter of the store before walking out.

Now listen closely dear Diary, people who don't really know me say that I am the kind of person who would keep a diary and write down my every thought in detail. Those who do know me, know that I would never. This is even more confusing since I ended up buying you, and here I am writing down my thoughts. But it's okay if you are totally confused, because it is the apocalypse and we are all going to die horrible flaming deaths anyway.

As I walked back towards the Leaky Cauldron to get a butterbeer to go, I so graciously tripped and dropped you in the gutter. Oops, my bad! Now don't get mad at me; I can't help that I am a total klutz and trip on every little thing. It's not my fault! I blame the rock!!!

After cleaning you off, I apperated to an alley near my house and began walking back home. When I was about two houses away, I heard a terrible scream come from my house. If I had known it was Petunia, I would have let whatever was attacking and or eating her finish the task. Sadly I was not informed of this, and ran into the house to see her jumping up and down screaming her head off. She was jumping literally off the furniture, waving her left hand around. Dad was shaking Vernon's hand and Mum was trying to hold Petunia still long enough to give her a hug.

Before I could slip away undetected, Walrus just had to notice me. "Ah, my dearest Lily! I believe you missed the whole event. Please stay so we can fill you in!" Walrus announced smiling at me smugly.

"Oh Lily dear, Petunia is getting married! Vernon just proposed! Petunia darling, show Lily your lovely ring," Mum cried frantically trying to grab Petunia's hand to show me. Petunia, taking this as an opportunity to brag, shoved her nasty bony hand in my face. On her left ring finger, was a dirty, I believe gold band with a grimy diamond on it. "It was Vernon's grandmother, am I correct?" Mum added.

"Congrats. I will be in my room writing a letter to Lizzy," I replied quickly. I was actually going to go upstairs and barf because of all the grim on that ring and the idea of those two reproducing. Honestly, it looked like he pried the off his grandmother's dead fingers!

So I was going through my records trying to find the loudest, best party music to play while I celebrated the fact of Petunia moving out, hopefully immediately. Sitting next to me was a box of partially eaten Honeyduke's chocolates and several different assortments of magical candies courtesy of my friend Ann.

As I reached for another chocolate, Petunia barged into my room, and leaned against the door uncomfortably. She fingered the ring on her finger before sighing and crossing the room to sit on my bed. "Can I have one?" she asked pointing to the chocolates, while I nodded surprised. Petunia hates everything having to do with magic, so I was suspicious on why she wanted to steal some of _my _chocolates. She chewed it thoughtfully before turning to me and asking, "What is that?"

An impish smile spread across my face before lying, "Oh that! That's just some Poogers. They taste like fudge before turning into shit." Her face turned a delicate shade of green before I lost it and began to laugh. "Just kidding Prune."

"Ha, yah…" She replied looking nervous once again. She started to speak, but stopped before thinking and then starting up again. She repeated this process several times before I forced her to just blurt it out. "As you know, Vernon and I are engaged to be married."

"No shit Sherlock," I replied annoyed. She was obviously getting on my nerves, and I wanted her out so that I could continue my one man party.

She glared at me before continuing, "Yah. I know this might seem a little soon, but Mum insists on you being one of my bridesmaids, and I know you don't want that, and I certainly don't want that, so when time comes that we must plan the wedding date, I pray you tell Mum you cannot go. It's best if _your _kind don't come. They just don't fit in with normal society. It's nothing personal."

Welcome to my everyday home life dear Diary. I have to put up with this shit from her every fucking day. You learn to live with it, but after awhile, its starts to get just plain annoying. "Personally? Ever since I found out I was a witch, you just have been at my throat criticizing and making fun of me in any way you can. I usually don't give a rat's ass about what you say, but here you are being raciest against some of the best people in the entire world! You call me a freak all the time, when you are too arrogant to realize that there are people around you who are just like me! So why don't you take your walrus of a fiancé, and do us all of favor by going into a hole and dying!!!"

No I don't think I was being a harsh on her at all. I spoke the truth, and its not my fault if she can't handle the truth. At that speech, her face turned red and the insults started flying. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT VERNON YOU _FREAK_! YOU'RE DIFFERENT! YOU AREN'T SPECIAL! MUM AND DAD ONLY ACT NICE BECAUSE THEY FEEL SORRY TO HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO IS SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT!" I don't feel like writing down all the other insults because they aren't worthy of touching your fine pages.

Never get a redhead angry. Ever. I started to tire of her insults, so I pulled out my wand and fired a spell at her, which missed and turned my lamp into a flamingo.

Petunia let out an earsplitting scream and ran down the hall waving her hands frantically. "YOU CAN'T DO MAGIC! YOU WILL GET IN TROUBLE! VERNON! SAVE ME!"

"I'm seventeen. That makes me a legal witch. I can do magic whenever I want!" I yelled maniacally. It sounded as though I needed to be locked into a mental ward. I was able to chase Petunia down the stairs, still firing off hexes, being careful to miss so I wouldn't get into even deeper shit.

As I rounded the corner, Petunia jumped behind Walrus screaming at him to save her. I was about to turn them into chairs when Dad grabbed me and held me up so I couldn't get into a position that would allow me to use my wand easily. As I was dangling, Mum confiscated my wand, and Dad put me down.

"Lily Marie Evans!!!" Mum yelled at me. When she uses your full name, then you know you are in trouble. "What did I tell you about magic? No magic unless it is absolutely necessary! You know your sister is bothered by it!!!"

Usually if I did magic around my sister, I would just lose television privileges for a week, but thanks to my big mouth, I was landed into this situation. "But Mum! This was absolutely necessary! She was insulting me and every one like me! Its not my fault that she is a stuck up bitch that has Vernon's dick shoved up her ass!!!"

"LILY MARIE EVANS YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!!!" Mum was screaming now. Time for me to leave.

As I stormed up the stairs, you should have seen Walrus' face! It was now a light purplish color, and it looked as though he would faint. Diary I do not regret what I did. Hey maybe Vernon will want to break up with Petunia knowing that I am a witch and their kids might have magical powers too.

So as my one man party was ruined, I just lay on the bed eating some candy while trying to listen to what my parents were saying downstairs. They were probably explaining to Vernon about the whole magic thing.

After awhile I heard footsteps coming upstairs which I assumed was Petunia going into her room to put more makeup on. It turned out it was Mum, and she was coming to have a little chat with me. "Sweetie, your behavior today was unacceptable. You should go apologize to your sister."

"I'm sorry Mum for making you upset. I was PMSing." Okay so I lied to my Mum. PMS is my universal excuse for everything. She always pities my afterwards and usually my punishment isn't nearly as bad.

"That's okay Lily, but you have to apologize to your sister too. Still, you need to be able to control your emotions, so no wand, no television, and no magic period for two weeks." That's the harshest punishment that she has ever given me, ever! Still, it isn't that bad, and Dad will probably persuade her to lessen my sentence. "Oh, and your father and I have to go to this party tonight, and we won't be back till tomorrow afternoon. Vernon is going to stay here in the guest room to make sure you and your sister are nice."

Every child questions their parents' intelligence at one point or another. That was exactly what I was doing now. Leaving my sister, basically alone with her fiancé in a house, overnight, is not a smart move. I was going to tell Mum this, but she left before I could add anything else.

Thinking about this later, I have come to a conclusion that if she gets pregnant, well then it's not my fault that Mum was too blind to realize this. I have been through Petunia's drawers, and have found many partially opened condom wrappers that they decided not to use. Why I was going through them, well seems kind of disgusting. I noticed some of my thongs were missing, so I decided to find out where they went. Apparently, Walrus likes my taste in underwear, and since Prune was wearing them, I didn't want them back.

After _they_ ate dinner, I went downstairs to see if there was any food that Walrus hadn't eaten yet. All I found was a T.V. dinner, so that would have to do. I heated that up and sat at the table trying to read a magazine while I ate, but my thoughts were interrupted by a loud squeaking noise upstairs.

I figured since they were so preoccupied, I could use this time to watch some TV without being caught. I must have watched five shows, and they were still going at it. I was getting tired, and I knew if I was going to get any sleep, it would have to be on the couch.

So here we are diary! It is 11:21PM and I am yet to get any sleep. I am really considering going upstairs to yell at them. The consequences of this though, might cause me to go blind or even die at the sight of one of their private areas. So I guess I should stay down here.

Finally I am getting drowsy; I think I might finally be able to go to sleep. So…good….What the fuck was that? Okay there is soot and pieces of the chimney flying everywhere, and why the hell am I still writing? And- Oh my fucking God! My best friend and my two least favorite people just stepped out of the chimney; Lizzy Hartshire, James Fricken Potter, and Sirius I-am-too-sexy-for-myself Black.

**Well there you have it! The first chapter! Took me only a day to write, and is over six pages long! Yeah!!! Anyway, so please review, 'cause I need help from all of you to keep me writing. If you do review, you get a nice warm cookie and I will hire the hit off your best friend. ; ) **


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